*we'll have a whale of a time

Over to the dark side

2011-09-01T00:56:00.001+08:00

While I'm distracted from my readings, I might as well take the opportunity to announce this here.

So I've been using Tumblr for a while now, and I've developed quite a fondness for it. I agree there's a lot of functionality of posting missing in comparison to Blogger, but it's a microblogging concept, which works for me at the moment, I really don't have the time to post long entries regularly. And Tumblr's far friendlier for pictures and the like. Plus, I've been here for 4 years, and while this beloved blog has served me well, I think I'm quite a different person now, and entering a different phase of life really soon, and all in all, it feels like a good time to close certain chapters and embrace some change.

So, it's official-

I've moved!

Do relink me, and if you have Tumblr, feel free to follow, and if I know you, I'll definitely follow back :)
See yall on the other side!

2011-08-20T00:16:00.000+08:00

I don't blog nearly enough when things are going well.

So I'm here to say, life is good. For now. And I shall just enjoy it while it is. :)

More tomorrow when I can sit in the awesome basket swing that now resides in our balcony.

2011-08-11T03:36:00.000+08:00

This one small problem is ruining this for both of us, in different ways. There are things you have no clue about and I'm left to do the firefighting. I'm not complaining, I'd take it to my grave if need be, but I need to deal with the problem first.

2011-08-09T03:46:00.001+08:00

Why the hell do you care if certain people find out. Who the hell cares. I don't care. I don't give a damn because you know, it's a matter of time. Yes, there may be a hurdle to jump or a battle to fight, but I'm not afraid. We're more than that.

2011-08-04T23:59:00.000+08:00

Something isn't right. Did I say or do something wrong? Or am I totally Tedding Out about this? Hate my overactive brain sometimes, but sometimes my gut instinct proves right. So I really don't know.

माना के हासिल ना होना था हमको यह रिश्ता

Sigh.

And We Approach the Start of Another School Year

2011-07-31T15:24:00.000+08:00

Eusoff Orientation is finally over. Feel a bit empty, though I was really only involved for 4 days. I love my OG, and I had a pretty awesome time, so I think all the sleep deprivation and the voicelessness (at the moment) was worth it. Just a shout out to say, GREAT JOB PROGRAMMERS!! I think you guys really did an amazing job this time around, and no don't worry, I didn't take offence when you said that you found orientation last year boring, I know it for a fact and I say that this year was ten times better. So great job :)

I was so incredibly sleep deprived yesterday that I came back after orientation ended at 11pm, changed and lay down on the bed intending to maybe just rest my aching body. But I totally crashed and died, door unlocked, light on and all. Only got up to switch off the light at about 2am, and went back to sleep. Slept until almost 1pm. That's like, 14 hours of sleep. Not undisturbed, but still. Still have a splitting headache though. It's really killing me. Feel hungover, when I haven't had any alcohol at all.

Don't have the energy to go out and buy lunch, so eating nutella with bread now. Can't believe I'm not home on a sunday SIGH. Meeting later tonight, so figured there was no point going home.

Feeling rather out of it at the moment. Maybe the coming week will pick me up.

2011-07-26T16:18:00.000+08:00

You can't be entirely happy when you know that the reason for your joy is also the reason for another's sadness.

Aint that the truest thing ever said.

2011-07-26T00:45:00.000+08:00

I hold a lot of store by the saying "An idle mind is a devil's workshop".

I'm finally back in hall, the one thing I've really really looked forward to throughout these 3 months has finally happened, and yet there are all these things that are getting me down, and I just have no explanation for it except the above saying. For seven weeks, my mind was kept occupied by work and outings and friends and family constantly surrounding me. Now I'm back in hall, most of my friends haven't moved in yet or are busy with EHOC or are not staying in hall anymore, and I suddenly find my brain very unoccupied and free to wander and naturally it has begun wandering to things I have been pushing to the back of my mind all vacation.

Let's just say, this has been an eventful vacation. Lots of things have happened, some things have changed, some haven't but are still somewhat different. Some of these are things I should be perfectly happy about, but drama follows me like the plague as always, and there are problems and obstacles that I must navigate, and navigate alone. Ok not 100% alone, I know I have a lot of support from a few very close friends, but at the end of the day, the decisions I've made are mine, and it has to be me that takes the step to solve the problem and face the consequences.

What all this has done is thrown into question my own values. I pride myself on being clear about my principles and being able to stick by them. That's been called into question, and that is really bugging me. I've swung from justifying my actions to myself and being incredibly defensive to being all self-loathing and feeling like a complete bitch. And at the end of it all, I still have no solution to anything. Heaven help me.

What I don't understand is why this is getting so incredibly complicated and dragged out. I know that sounds like a stupid question, but it's an honest question. I think there are ways around this, and I personally think this should have been sorted very early on, but it wasn't and I'm definitely at least partly to blame, but I cannot say that I am fully to blame because I know I am not. But there have certainly been a few mistakes on my part. And I want to put this right, I do. I want to apologise and hope that I can clear everything up. I just don't want to compromise on the one thing that's kept me happy through the holidays for it. Does that make me utterly selfish?

I don't know. Maybe I don't want to know. I just feel so drained every time I think about this. So I'm just going to leave it at that and sleep. Or do something else to occupy my mind. At least putting it out here has eased up some of that negative energy.

2011-07-21T19:08:00.000+08:00

Omg. Tomorrow is the 22nd. The date I've looked forward to since I started my internship. YUSSS.

On the not so bright side- WHERE HAVE MY HOLIDAYS GONE T_T

The last lap is always the hardest

2011-07-19T11:55:00.001+08:00

I'm looking forward to friday so much, I've already planned what to wear. Whyyy cant this week just end, damnit.

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blogger widgetttg

2011-07-17T15:27:00.001+08:00

Helloo posting frm a new blogger widget on my phone :D

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2011-07-14T10:21:00.000+08:00

I am a fail because I haven't blogged in 10 days. And work isn't exactly the best place to be blogging from, but I just had to pop by and say that I'm alive and well. It's been a busy 10 days. More soon.

2011-07-03T14:01:00.002+08:00

It's all good fun, but the knowledge that we'll never make it is getting me down.

2011-06-26T12:50:00.000+08:00

Sigh. Please forgive me if I was too harsh. Just understand that as a friend, I can't bear to see you crumble to half the person you used to be. :(

Forecast?

2011-06-26T11:58:00.001+08:00

Today's horoscope. Apt for the situation I'm in, certainly hope to the high heavens that it comes true :/

You may feel as if you're under a lot of stress today, but your desire to do the right thing can turn a difficult day into a memorable one. Don't worry about how to get others to support your agenda. Instead, simply do the very best job you can, even if you must do it alone. Ultimately, your performance will exceed everyone else's expectations of what you should do.

Any Way The Wind Blows In

2011-06-25T12:56:00.000+08:00

You are love,
You are monsters and angels untouched, unseen
All in one, I take all that you are
'Cos you're just like me

I know I've been blogging random vague rubbish. Excuse me for that please, because there are things in life that I would rather not display on a public blog. But I can't keep myself from saying SOMETHING, resulting in vague entries.

I have TWO submissions on Monday. Grrr. It's really truly neverending. I just want July 22nd to get here NAO and I think I will be more relieved than anything else, and I certainly will not regret ending my internship. Because it will give me more time for myself, my family, my friends and other important things and people in my life. That's what these holidays were supposed to be about, but now I'm just stressed and tearing my hair out half the time and panicking about how I'm going to get anything done right and in time when I barely know anything about the workings of the organization. So much for holidays.

When I graduate, I'm going to take a long grad trip. And then take another couple of weeks off at home after that, before I start work. Assuming I find work that quickly of course. Because you know what, I've not had ONE damned three month holiday throughout my uni life. EHOC twice and internship once and that's burned all three holidays I had.

Malvika's wedding reception later in the evening and then I'm meeting the gang at Timbre. Yes, I know I have work to finish, but I need my night off. Seriously annoyed with the amount of things I have to do, and it's just an internship! So um yeah, I should probably try and do as much as I can in the next few hours :P And not be blogging/facebooking/tweeting/Tumblr-ing.

Lunch now, and then I promise I'll sit down and actually get some work done. :)

2011-06-25T02:59:00.001+08:00

This has quickly become my favourite MSN smiley.

2011-06-23T16:38:00.000+08:00

I feel like I've made the stupidest decision in the world.

I'm putting everything at risk of falling apart again. FOR THE SECOND TIME. You'd think I'd have learnt from the first mistake. But what do you do when a mistake leads to something that makes you happier than you've been in a long time? Do you go with it, despite knowing that doing so might pull everything apart again? Or do you chuck your own happiness aside and put others' first?

The me of even a year ago would have gone with the second option without question. Yet, here I am, questioning. Questioning why can't my happiness co-exist with others'? Why can't I have my cake and eat it too?

What are you doing Neeti.

2011-06-19T13:30:00.000+08:00

Deep inside, there's a rush, what a rush
'Cos the possibility
That you would ever feel the same way about me
Is just too much, just too much

Saturday Nights

2011-06-18T19:52:00.000+08:00

So here I am, on a Saturday night, writing a report for work, which I have very little clue about and I think my supervisor is going to think I'm an utter moron for turning in such crap on Monday. But life goes on, and it's just an internship, not actual work so the consequences are not so bad.

There's something I hate about Saturday nights (not as much as Sunday nights, but still)- which is that the following day is Sunday and the end of the weekend. And having no outing to look forward to before my next submission is getting me down urgh.

Btw, this is my 700th post! And I am seriously contemplating switching over to Tumblr, because I hop over there way more often and reblogging is addictive and sometimes I don't necessarily want to reblog into my private blog. Of course, if I do move over there, it won't be my primary blog, because my cricket blog holds that status currently and there's no way to switch without deleting all your current blogs. Which evidently I can't do because my private Tumblr is PRECIOUS and my cricket Tumblr contains a lot of world cup memories. Should I switch over? Hmmm.

I should try and finish this report by tonight, but I have no motivation to write at all, and the more I read up, the more pressurised I'm feeling, because I'm not entirely sure what he wants me to come up with in my report. And I don't think I can exactly come up with strategies for change as in the other sample papers that he sent to me, because I have no in-depth knowledge about the workings of the place. STRESS zzzz. Doing research is so much easier than having to generate from scratch, especially without any background knowledge. T_T

I just want to give up and play spider solitaire.

2011-06-14T21:41:00.000+08:00

One of those RARE days when I'm not out with friends and I don't have homework to rush :P

I have no energy to blog about work. One thing I will say though- work is hella tiring. I mean, well, my work IS tiring, but work in general- waking up at 7, going to the office and sitting there the entire day, counting down to 5.45pm, travelling back and then sometimes the prospect of having to continue doing work at home- BLEARGH. How do people do this all their lives.

I think they have overestimated my capabilities. Or maybe I'm underestimating myself. But seriously. I am friggin' scared of what's to come- presentations and facilitation of discussions and what not. I barely know ANYTHING about the field I'm working in omg. Panic mode. Oh and this sleeping at midnight thing? It's really getting to me man. NO internet the WHOLE DAY and then I come home, do a few things, have dinner, get online for a short while and suddenly it's 11+, almost midnight and time to sleep. This is totally cramping my style and my productivity! I only get productive after midnight. BAH.

Ok so. 9.39. I have another couple of hours to chill before I have to pack myself off to bed. Few things to look forward to over the next couple of days, to counter the woe that is going to be my paper. :)

2011-06-09T23:15:00.000+08:00

Three things you should know about my work:

1. It's interesting. The work is, the colleagues are, the workplace is, the working atmosphere is. Elaboration to come over the weekend.

2. It is MEGAFREAKINGCOLD in the office and the aircon blows at my hands the whole day.

3. THERE.IS.NO.INTERNET.ACCESS.

That is all.

2011-06-01T01:28:00.001+08:00

Mighty pleased because I have scheduled at least one outing each day for the remaining 3 weekdays. :D

2011-05-31T14:49:00.001+08:00

Andddd Prisons hasn't called me back. Sooo, maybe no internship.

This is another CLASSIC 2011 moment. I swear. So classic. Something will come along and look all set to happen and then it will not happen. This is like the freaking 3rd or 4th time this is happening to me this year- and with BIG stuff, not like everyday events.

No matter, I will not let stupid things affect me. Plus maybe this is better. This will give me more time for myself and to do other things and meet friends and what not. See how.

Life surprises you sometimes.

2011-05-23T21:06:00.000+08:00

I know I haven't been blogging very often. I don't even know why actually.

So Prisons FINALLY called me today to tell me that they have a project on hand for me, and even though it's HR, not really psych, I decided to give it a shot. So I have an internship for the summer! No more slacking at home. Suddenly there are a million things I want to do, and it looks like I have no time to do them. Such is life. It's like, I was all ready to spend most of this vacation actually vacationing and bumming and doing a few things here and there. And suddenly, there's an internship offer that makes your vacation look 3 times shorter.

Anyway, I have ONE MORE WEEK before I'm packed off to work :P Pity I'll be spending most of this week at camp. But no regrets! (:

2011-05-19T12:32:00.000+08:00

RAWR.

A lot of annoyances in my life right now.

The weather is so disgusting, I can't bring myself to go for a run. And waking up before the sun is out of the question. Post sunset, and Mum will have issues with me running alone. I NEED TO STAY IN HALL ARGH.

And that's just one annoyance.

2011-05-17T13:23:00.000+08:00

I'm not really sure what's bothering me anymore.

I think it's more to do with the fact that I'm not doing anything productive with my holidays (yet). I know holidays should be about relaxing, but right now, this doing nothing is making me feel even more worthless and hopeless than I already feel. Can't believe I'm saying this, but I kinda miss school. And hall. At least there are things to do in school. At home, I just feel utterly USELESS. And that's not a good feeling for someone trying to use the holidays to feel better about herself.

Ugh. I need to find the motivation to get off my arse and do something with my holidays. Motivation, strike me please.

Summer Break To-do List

2011-05-14T00:40:00.001+08:00

I need to sit and down and get my life in order, because if not, I will let this holiday pass without having done ANYTHING productive and I know I'll just regret it at the end of the three months. Plus, if I don't throw myself into other things right now, I know I'll be dwelling on a lot of things over the holidays. Which would defeat my entire life motto of KEEP MOVING FORWARD and it would get me down because an idle mind is a devil's workshop, isn't that how the saying goes?

So here's a list of things I aim to accomplish over the coming 3 months.

Start learning driving.
Re-learn the guitar (first re-string it).
Exercise at least 3 times a week.
Read a minimum of 5 books including: Slayer of Kamsa by Ashok Banker and The entire Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series by Douglas Adams
Clean my room (thoroughly).
Be an OGL for exposure camp (hopefully) and orientation.
Volunteer at IMH.
Watch movies including: Toy Story 3, Harry Potter 7 Part I

Ok that's all I can remember for now. I'll add as I remember.

2011-05-11T22:33:00.000+08:00

Back from Bali!! :D

It was awesome! I knew it would be different going with friends, but I didn't realise how different I guess. Private pools, clubbing in singlets, bargaining like psychos, insane laughter, lots of drinks, lots of thrills, loads of crazy pictures, sleeping at 6am, plenty of HTHTing and a TON of fun. It was really quite a trip.

Maybe I'll put a couple of group pics here once I've edited them. Also will blog in more detail tomorrow or something :)

Summer Break

2011-05-05T12:30:00.000+08:00

Oh yeah, btw, EXAMS ARE OVER. Hahahah. End of YEAR 3. I feel so damn old. :/ I don't even know where these 3 years went.

But. But. HOLIDAYS ARE HERE. And I am super exciteddd because I don't have EHOC commitments and I'm free to do other things like learn to drive, re-learn the guitar, exercise, do an internship or volunteer at IMH and loads more. Maybe I can cook! Or anything! Omg. THREE MONTHS. :D My first actual holiday since I've entered uni.

Though I'm still pretty depressed about not being able to stay in hall. A.k.a.: Curfew for 3 months. :P Well amongst other things.

We'll see how this goes!

Anyhoo, plan for the day: Go back to hall, go shopping at Vivo, then move the rest of the stuff out of my room at night. Then return my key and move home FOR THREE MONTHS :/ :/ shucks.

Scares

2011-05-05T00:51:00.001+08:00

Had a bit of scare today when I came back home and opened my facebook only to find us RECONSIDERING BALI TRIP because of terrorist threats. I think my heart seriously stopped for a moment. Like, I just wanted to cry because I'm really quite depressed about moving out of hall for the holidays. And then now no bali trip?! I was quite devastated for about 10 minutes. But I think we're still going. So, hopefully that's all settled. I mean, I really think this is something we don't have control over... like, I don't stop crossing the road just because there's the chance of getting hit by a car? I know it's not an exact analogy, but I'm just trying to say that sometimes you just have to do certain things, and you might really really regret it if you don't. Agree it's an issue of threat to life. But if I'm too paranoid about something I have no control over, I will stop myself from doing a lot of things in life. I mean, we went to KASHMIR. That place hasn't had peace in YEARS. And we knew full well that even though that was a quiet period, anyday, either India or Pakistan could choose to drop a bomb there. But if we hadn't gone, we might never have gotten another chance, because a few months after we came back, violence started there again. So like I said, sometimes you just have to do certain things. And hope for the best.

Anyway, after all that hullabaloo and a fair few scares, I went to my facebook home page and this is what I saw.

Only ONE thing caught my eye.

OH.EM.GEE. EXCITEZXZXZ. WE'VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG ((:

Whatever happens, I want to go. I've REALLY been looking forward to this. So I'm going to go and just stay alert while we're there, and hope for the best. :)

2011-04-30T16:19:00.000+08:00

Having one of those being independent sucks phases. I've been moodswinging SO MUCH, it's like PMS, but I know it's probably not. If it is, then I'm screwed cos it's not going to subside anytime soon. T_T

2011-04-29T16:29:00.000+08:00

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU NEETI, JUST FOCUS AND SHUT EVERYTHING ELSE OUT.

Have to finish reading for Narrative by tonight so that I can spend the next two days on Trauma Psych. Motivation and discipline, please descend on my head now, I could really use some help.

2011-04-28T21:29:00.000+08:00

It's a good thing I'm having exams now, or I would have hate-mailed Samsung Singapore a 100 times already. WHEN IS THE BLOODY GALAXY S II RELEASING HERE?! They said 2nd quarter, then they said April, then now they're keeping their mouths zipped and not saying anything at all. April's almost at a close. No news AT ALL. I'm so mad I could kill someone. Try being stuck for 3 months with a phone that can do nothing besides texting and calling when you're already used to Wi-fi enabled smartphones. And no QWERTY keyboard and a whole bunch of other woes that I have no energy to elaborate upon. The only thing that's keeping me distracted from my RAGE at Samsung is the fact that I have to study for my papers. Never thought I'd say this, but thank heavens for exams.

2011-04-24T20:56:00.000+08:00

Not supposed to be this stressed over a stupid GEM. That too one that I can S/U. BUT. I think it's the fact that it's my first paper and also the fact that it can potentially counter the misery that Trauma Psych is going to inflict on my CAP that are getting to me. Because it means I have to do well. Because I know I can. So if I don't it means I just didn't try hard enough. Ugh are exams supposed to be this painful?

There are several other things that aren't helping.

Blasted headache, this is a bad BAD time. :(

2011-04-23T14:46:00.000+08:00

I guess to a large extent, I am very extremely glad that RGS taught me never to depend on the male gender, and hall taught me never to depend on anyone.

I mean, not in like a cynical, never trust anyone to do anything and never ask for help kinda way, but in like a don't expect anyone to do anything for you, but if they do, great, that's a bonus.

To a large extent. Sometimes, it's a bit depressing to be independent, because sometimes you want someone to stick around and be there, you want to have arms that you can run into when you're down and out, a shoulder you can cry on when life cuts a mean bitch. But everyone kinda expects you to deal with it on your own, because that's what they've always seen you do. So when things get so bad that you put aside some of that ego and independent-woman-pride and turn to someone, they're all like whatttt but I can't deal with you being so emotional, I thought you're a calm and independent person, what's going on, how come you're crumbling blahblah. I guess once you're seen as the independent woman, it becomes taboo for you to cry in front of others, it becomes taboo for you to emote stress and negative feelings, and I guess in some senses, society applies the same standard that it applies to men to you.

Not sure I'm entirely ok with that.

Caught In The Middle

2011-04-23T11:40:00.000+08:00

Let's run, run like our lives depended on it. Let's run to the ends of the earth, or anywhere away from here. Let's make a crazy secret and keep it from the world. The days are too bright, the nights too dark, so let's chase the dusks and the dawns, the in-betweens. Just you and me and nobody else. Because that's where we are. In-between.

2011-04-18T14:46:00.001+08:00

WHY IS FOCUSING IN MY ROOM SO DIFFICULT @!$#(*$&#&@#! grrrr.

2011-04-16T19:24:00.000+08:00

I don't like the way this woman cut my ends!!!! D: RAWR

I miss Louis, my old hairdresser :( Why did he move back to M'sia dammit.

Now I have to live with straggly ends until my hair grows out a bit more so I can trim again. SIGH.

Ok ok I cannot afford to be so depressed about hair. It will grow! And it's not like it looks BAD, just not the same as before. Get over it Neets.

2011-04-16T00:46:00.000+08:00

Stop. Stop thinking. Enough.

Ok now focus on what's important. Study. Mug your brains out, Neeti. You need to save your grades.

Everything else can come after. Or rather, you can think about how to deal with everything later. For now, just push it aside and go on. There's no time.

Early Reminiscence.

2011-04-14T15:56:00.000+08:00

So I'm supposed to be spending a productive afternoon reading my Adolescence textbook, but maybe it's the constant rumble of thunder, or the mellow music or the fact that I'll be, in a couple of hours, attending the very last class of 3rd year that's making me contemplative, flighty and distracted.

Last class of 3rd year. If I wasn't doing honours, this could have been the last class of my undergraduate term. It's a scary thought. I still remember matriculating, checking into hall, knowing nobody, wondering how in the world I was going to get through 4 years of this madness, and suddenly, I have all of 1 year left, and I'm finding myself extremely reluctant to graduate or leave hall, simply because it means having to decide what path you're heading down in life once and for all and having to work and not having as much freedom as you did while being a student. And also because I adore hall, despite all its shortcomings, and I can't imagine going back to live at home. I can't imagine not having late night supper buddies just a few feet down the corridor, or a listening ear at random times of the night or just walking to the toilet at 4am after struggling with an assignment and taking comfort in the fact that there are other crazy folks still awake and going strong. I can't imagine having to make appointments weeks in advance just to meet a bunch of close friends, when right now we can meet up with a simple "Dinner at 6 at the dining hall!" text to everyone.

Ok I know all this is coming a year too early, but it's something that's been plaguing me.

There're so many things I'm excited about post-exams, but right now I can't afford to think about all of that because I have to study. Why is it so hard to buckle down and study? I've done it all my life, you'd think I'd have plenty of practice by now and it shouldn't be this hard every semester. But come the end of every semester, I have to rediscover that frenzy, that motivation to sit myself down and bully my brain into absorbing all sorts of facts. It's like a skill I throw out after every set of exams. Sigh.

Anyway, next year I have a goal- I have to take a lot a lot of photos of my final year in hall and uni. I have to capture as many memories as possible. Ok I have tons more to write, but I really should be studying. So I shall resist the blogging urge and end here. I should really switch my internet off man :/

And So It Goes On

2011-04-12T02:47:00.000+08:00

What are you doing Neeti. Seriously, what are you doing with your life. It's time to buckle down and focus on your work. Instead, you're doing what? Letting yourself drift, away from what's important, into dangerous emotional territory. There's no time for these complications, you have to give it up. Shut it out. Ignore. Suppress.

Emotions are time consuming. I don't see why they're necessary all the time. I think they should be removable when they're not necessary. How are they going to help me remember anything for exams? I'm not going to form emotional memories about saving the environment am I? Or about which brain areas differ in male and female adolescents? SIGH. Oh and don't even get me started on the heart. Sometimes I wish I could rip it out and store it elsewhere until it's done feeling. Or at least until exams are over. I can't bear to FEEL all these 10 thousand things AND try to cram knowledge into my brain at the same time.

Everything's just getting to me at the wrong time. Though I suppose you can say there's never a right time for these things. But two weeks to finals is DEFINITELY not a good time!

Oh and does my body cooperate? Of course not. Stupid womanly woes. They say it never rains, it pours. Yes, I can relate to that.

The Epitome of Unproductive

2011-04-11T01:02:00.001+08:00

I feel like everyone's off doing something productive except me. WHY am I not doing anything productive? I don't know. I haven't felt THIS utterly useless in a long while.

I have to push myself to revise, read, study, I have to do something about my utter lack of motivation and energy. PICK IT UP NEETS, come on, you can't afford to waste time now. Heck everything else, unplug your emotions, there's no time for these things.

I started 2011 on such a good note. A whole bunch of bad things happened, but I was super positive through it all. But somewhere along the way, something broke me. I wish I could find that easy optimism right now, I could really use it.

2011-04-09T15:34:00.000+08:00

Someone tell me why I complicate my life like this? That too at a time when I cannot afford complication. When I need to focus on exams, here I am shooting myself in the foot with this. How many times have I told myself to block it out over many months? And yet, and yet. Why NOW? Why at all? Argh.

Slap me out of it. Please. Thanks.

2011-04-08T18:57:00.001+08:00

NO TIMEEE I HAVE TO BE READY BY 8 FOR PAGEANT-BASH.

But anyway, I'm so glad I dragged my ass to the swimming pool and actually swam today. Felt awesome. Was up for more- but time limitations. I just wish I had the discipline to do this more often!

Oh and then tea and Subway melt to top it off! :D Best off-day in a while.

Ok time to ciaooo

2011-04-08T04:04:00.000+08:00

Ok so since I last posted, India has won the world cup, and rewritten history forever more.

Also, I had hell week and have survived. Kinda.

I know I'm making it sound exceedingly boring- I'm exhausted, forgive me. Life's been a lot more colourful than that. I just don't have the energy to emote and write all happily right now.

Four deadlines in a week just drain you out. I wonder how I survived that 7-deadline week a few semesters ago :/

Time to catch up on Cricinfo and everything else I've been missing this week.

2011-04-02T07:35:00.001+08:00

kyon yeh saans thhami hai, aankhon mein kyon nami hai?
hai dosti humko yakeen tha, dosti aur kuchh bhi nahin tha
hai kaisa yeh dard naya sa, kyon dil lagta toota toota sa

2011-04-02T06:14:00.000+08:00

I know what that look meant. It was a lot more than I am capable of feeling. This is not for me. Snap out of it, Neeti.

Aal iz well. Aal iz well.

2011-03-31T12:22:00.001+08:00

I used to think I understood my body pretty well. Lack of appetite meant something very distressing/stressful was happening/had happened. Churning stomach or stomach in knots meant that something crazy was going to happen soon and the churning was in anticipation/ due to nerves. Insomnia meant something very LIFE ALTERING was happening/happened, because my sleep is never affected. Lack of dreams meant I was utterly exhausted. Headaches were due to lack of sleep/ extreme tension. And there are many other things.

But lately, my appetite's been swinging like someone with bipolar disorder, and my stomach just won't stop churning! Yesterday I attributed it to the crazy match. But today? Don't tell me it's the rally? Highly unlikely. So I don't know what it is! And I'm very frustrated because when this happens, I'm usually very flighty and distracted, and that's exactly how I am right now. Trying to work on my presentation but I keep digressing and doing other things and I just CAN'T KEEP FOCUS. Imagine a hundred worms squirming in your stomach. That's what I feel like right now. It's driving me nuts, especially because I can't pinpoint a reason! Argh.

In other news OMG OMG OMG TEAMINDIA WON!!!!! TO THE FINALS NOW!!! :D :D :D Sorry Pakistan, I want to feel sorry for you, but the jubilation associated with this one is just too high.

2011-03-30T11:53:00.001+08:00

I failed my midterm. FISHPASTE.

NOT a good start to the day.

2011-03-29T21:09:00.000+08:00

and your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense~

and if your heart wears thin
i will hold you up
and i will hide you when it gets too much.

Newly loved song. So perfect, and so pretty.

Week 11 already?!

2011-03-29T01:55:00.000+08:00

The week has started considerably better than last week. Well, I guess last week wasn't hard to beat, so I'm not sure that says anything. But yeah, things are definitely looking up.

We're intensely planning for Bali and I'm very very excited. My bank account isn't quite as excited, but I guess you can't have your cake and eat it too.

I'm also VERY sick and tired of waiting for the stupid Samsung Galaxy S II to release here in Singapore. I REALLY NEED A NEW PHONE THANKS. Knowing my luck, it's going to release during reading week or something, and then I'll be torn between studying and getting the damned phone. Sigh.

Things would feel a lot better if my essay would write itself. Bleargh. No swimming for me again tomorrow morning, because I don't think I'll be sleeping anytime soon. I REALLY NEED TO EXERCISE. Class from 12 onwards so... urgh. I haven't even done my readings! Why is there so much work? :( There's no time to study.

God I want the semester to end NOW. I want it to be 3rd May 7pm now, and I want to be celebrating. Why does post-recess week always feel so incredibly dragged out?

Refresh and resume.

2011-03-26T23:58:00.000+08:00

Had a long chat with mum yesterday. Felt a lot better after that. The weekend has done for me what it was supposed to do, which is to clear my mind, get my appetite back on track and hit that refresh button, which I somehow couldn't find over the last week.

Time to focus on my mountains of work. The neverending woes of a uni student, sigh.

Cricket=Joy

2011-03-25T16:48:00.000+08:00

Appetite's back to zero. Sigh.

But. BUT. One super duper happy thing in my life right now: INDIA DEFEATED AUSTRALIA IN THE QUARTERS YESTERDAY. :D :D

I can honestly say, I did not expect it. I fully expected Aus to win, especially after the hammering they got from Pakistan in the group stages. I'm SO glad and so relieved that we beat them! Despite our average bowling and substandard fielding, somehow everything came through. Apparently, India were fielding better than ever yesterday. And our batting did not collapse, as it has been doing the last couple of times. I don't know if it was luck or skill or strategy but it's a victory nonetheless and I'll happily take it. At least we're through to the semis. And that's going to be a real thriller, because it's against Pakistan. India-Pak semis, it will be epic. Although India-Pak finals would have been even more epic. Like the biggest World Cup showdown. Oh well!

I'm SO going home next Wednesday to watch the match. I'm not missing another India match, especially not SEMIS.

Time to get down to work now. Sighhhh.

2011-03-24T01:25:00.000+08:00

Finally managed to eat something that resembles a meal. First time in 3 days. I suppose it comes with feeling slightly better.

Felt better all day, but I'm feeling very very restless again now. Something about night time. I don't know what it is. I should just turn in, except I just ate, under an hour ago.

I'm constantly moodswinging, it's not even funny.

2011-03-23T04:21:00.003+08:00

Someone just interpreted what that splinter in my mind is, and put it into the exact words that I haven't been able to find over the last 24 hours. It was really quite accurate.

2011-03-22T04:51:00.000+08:00

After several emo blog entries, hours of emo music and emo angsting on MSN, I finally managed get to the point where I was emotional enough to release all the pent up negativity. I can't believe it took me almost 2 hours to work myself up to the state where I could feel enough to let it out. I swear, there's something very wrong with the way my emotions are functioning. Now my tear ducts really hurt and my head is pounding and my sinus cavities are killing me. I think I've needed that for quite a while.

2011-03-22T01:35:00.001+08:00

I don't know what the past few days have been, but I do know what I don't want the next few days to be.

I'm just going to lie low for a while. I need some time to get myself back on the rails. I really feel like an idiot of the first degree, though I strongly believe there are some things I did right. Whether anyone else thinks so doesn't matter to me, because I know it. While I did 90% of the things wrong, I did 10% right, and I'm banking on the confidence of that 10% to get me through the next few days and the rest of the semester. And I'm trying not to harp on the 90% that went wrong. Maybe this is a good time for me to start things anew, to try and get my act together and just focus on what's important.

Also, this has firmed up my belief in the fact boys=heartache and trouble, and my sneaking suspicion that I may never like another guy again has just turned into more of a conviction. I know this is bad, but I don't have the time to put that right now. At least that's only to do with me, and I can deal with it whenever and wherever I want.

Thanks to everyone who's stood by me through this, it's been a horrible few days, so thanks a lot for being so wonderful and for propping me up so well. I've said this a lot already, but really, thanks. A lot. I haven't eaten or slept properly in a couple of days. And I probably should now, but for some reason, I'm not sleepy anymore. Neither am I particularly hungry. But now I have a supper invitation. So I should go. Maybe later, alligators.

2011-03-21T06:23:00.002+08:00

late at night i'm still wide awake
think this is far more than i can take

I am going. nuts. Cannot focus on assignment. It's 6.20am. What am I doing with my life.

we're bound to be afraid
even if it's just for a few days
making up for all this mess.

even the best fall down sometimes
even the wrong words seem to rhyme
out of the doubt that fills my mind
you somehow find
you and i, collide.

2011-03-20T14:20:00.000+08:00

There are a lot of things to sort out. But one by one, I will sort through them. I must.

This is what happens when you don't think.

But I have friends, who I know will stick by me no matter what. Who haven't judged me, haven't even asked for explanations from me, and instead are standing up for me, though I know I am partially to blame. People who are willing to listen, or just accept even if I don't want to say anything, and just be a silent pillar of support. If you read this, you know who you are, and all I can say is that I'm really, really thankful I have people like you in my life. And I hope that I will be able to reciprocate equally when you need me. :)

It's been a few days on an emotional rollercoaster, and I'm only just beginning to gather myself. Now it's time to be cruelly rational with myself and solve the problems. And I will.

2011-03-20T02:29:00.002+08:00

I officially detest myself.

I wish the earth would open up and swallow me whole.

Jadedness is contagious. Keep Clear.

2011-03-17T23:24:00.000+08:00

Why do I even give a freaking damn. Why do I care, honestly. It's NONE of my business. Do what you like, no one's going think the worst of you anyway. It's just me. Insecure, disgruntled, jaded me.

I know what you're like. And knowing you, I can guess at your motivations. But who'd believe me. In fact, sometimes I don't even believe myself. I tell myself, Neeti, think better of people. Trust other people. But I think my gut instinct has just been proven right too many times. So I'll just think what I want, and let others think what they want. I just hope there are no annoying consequences from this.

I'm far too jaded with life. I should let others live in their happy bubbles longer.

Time to tone down and retreat into a corner with my academics. It's about time I gave that some attention anyway. Passion and interest has occupied my time and life for long enough. It's about time I thought about my grades, my career and my future. I'm not going to be organizing events or acting as a career right. So it's about time I stopped doing all that and just focussed on what's more important. Starting to wonder if I can do that while still staying in hall. Starting to wonder if I've been making excuses for myself all this while, telling myself that hall has been helping me grow as a person, when actually all it has been doing is tiring me out and affecting my grades. Or whether I'm just going through one of those jaded patches again (and this is a proven end-of-AY syndrome), and maybe when the year ends, everything will clear up and I will go back to my same level of passion and enthusiasm.

Ugh. Whatever. I don't care. I don't want to care.

Windies is dying against England. This jeopardizes India's chances of making the quarters. Stupid TeamIndia, can't even convincingly enter the quarterfinals.

2011-03-17T16:39:00.003+08:00

I really don't understand. I don't understand why there must be all these politics. I don't understand why we must undercut one another. We're all really just striving for the same thing, but in different ways, and I don't know why some people don't see that.

I really feel like everything we've worked for over this year is just being undermined. Nothing ever happens overnight, not always do you succeed on the first try. I think we've been incredibly open to suggestions and ideas and very very flexible and willing to change according to what feedback we receive. I think we've tried really hard to be fair and just to everyone. We always thought long term, it was always about how it's ok if something is not as successful this year as we eventually expect it to be because we want to improve over time and perfect it. It was always about uniting, about bridging distances. Even if there was something that we knew would be abolished after this year, we still tried hella hard to make it perfect. And yet there are people who just think we did nothing. Who've tried all year long to change our ways. Without really trying to understand what we were gunning at, and guiding us there instead.

You might say, hey, you can't please everyone. Fair enough. I don't mean to please EVERYONE. That's almost impossible. But at least I can try to make everyone understand right? They may not necessarily agree with everything we do, but at least they can understand, and maybe give us suggestions on how we can do better, instead of merely opposing us.

I don't even know when I began to care so damn much. But somewhere along the way, I did. I would never work so hard for something if I wasn't passionate about it. But somehow I just feel like an idiot right now, like an insignificant little speck of dust, like as though this year could have been entirely skipped over and maybe it would have made no difference in the grand scheme of things. As though I've given nothing back to the place that taught me so much and changed me in so many ways. So what if I've headed a bunch of stuff, it made no damn difference. Just another passing cloud, changing nothing. Bettering nothing. Utterly insignificant.

Micro blogging is all I seem to have time for

2011-03-16T16:51:00.001+08:00

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”

—	Jane Austen (Northanger Abbey)

I relate a lot to this quote. And yet, sometimes I just don't seem to have the time. But to all those who do read this, do know I do not love in halves. Even if I may not have a lot of time to offer right now, I'm really only a call or text or email or facebook post away.

Panic reigns

2011-03-11T01:11:00.000+08:00

Oh god what is wrong with me. I don't understand. I really don't.

I really feel like I need some time off. I need some space. I can't do this, I can't keep up with the demands of relationships (of all sorts, family, friends, everything).

I'm busy every freaking night of next week. EVERY. NIGHT. Not with hall commitments. But with social obligations. When am I going to study. I'm getting so very worried. God. I need to sleep. Goodnight.

Sway/ Anyway the Wind Blows

2011-03-05T02:53:00.000+08:00

you are love
you are monsters and angels
untouched, unseen
all in one
i take all that you are
cos you're just like me
but you move
and it's hard to stay close to a satellite
so i lose
sight of you till you come round again
i'm watching the wind.

Sara Bareilles is saying everything I want to say. And yet, somehow, I feel bottled up. Like I have a lot to write, but I can't for some reason?

I'm having these flashes of memories of a 16 year old me, in the RGS library, inspired by my very vulnerable and recently broken heart (and also perhaps by the fact that I was experiencing the sleek, sophisticated feel of a macbook for the first time), typing endless blog entries and poetry. Words came easily then, rhymes were natural, alliteration was second nature, emotions translated into writing quickly and creativity flowed without a ripple. Now, the words are choking up somewhere inside, and I don't know why.

Today seems to be a night of reminiscence. I think I should just heed Ted Mosby's advice ("Nothing good ever happens after 2am") and turn in.

2011-03-03T00:34:00.000+08:00

NO TIMEEE stupid midterms arghhhh. :((

I haven't been blogging, not even in my cricket blog! So annoying. I hate exam weeks.

In Need of Sun and Fun

2011-02-28T23:58:00.000+08:00

I don't know why this complete lethargy has sunk in. Usually this lethargy hits me post Week 8, because it's like, there isn't another day off for 5 weeks and even those days off are going to be spent mugging my arse off, and then it's going to be exams and the whole semester just looms in front of you with all of its deadlines and shit and May seems like the most distant thing ever with huge obstacles to get past first. But for some reason that lethargy seems to have kicked in really early this time around. I seem to have no motivation at all to study or get anything done. I just want the semester to end NOW. Everything about this week feels so OFF. Don't ask me why. And I really feel like there's something I'm forgetting about this week. Like something MAJOR. I don't know why or what. I just keep having this feeling that something's amiss.

All I really want to do now is eat some instant noodles, sip some midnight chai, and laugh over an episode of HIMYM or Phineas and Ferb. Something's getting me down and I don't know what it is, but I can't afford this right now.

As if on cue, Club Can't Handle Me starts playing. Maybe I need to go out and party. Or maybe I just need to go out and have some fun. And not be cooped up indoors all day, doing work or studying or fretting about something or the other. But I really don't seem to have the energy for all that. Like as though the lethargy is not just physical or mental. It's like... deep deep down. Like as if my soul itself is just constantly tired. There's just something about 3rd year that's killing me inside out.

Lists Lists Lists

2011-02-28T21:25:00.000+08:00

Ok so I have to stop myself from being so ill disciplined. I really get nothing done. It's horrible.

I must

1. Make a list of things to do.
2. Exercise discipline in waking up early.
3. STOP PROCRASTINATING EVERYTHING.

I've caught the World Cup Fever real bad.

2011-02-28T01:39:00.000+08:00

676 runs, 18 wickets, 99.5 overs, 3 facebook statuses, over a 100 facebook comments, an epic capslocky-rambling msn convo with Nivi and a last-ball finish later, India and England TIED their match. TIED. Oh god, I thought I would get a heart attack from all the pounding and the mad tension. India swung from WOOHOO SUREWIN to WAIT WAIT WAIT... to OMG MAYBE NOT to OMG I THINK WE'RE GONNA LOSE HOLY SHITE to HOLD ON, THERE'S A WICKET to GREAT LORDS OF THE GAME THERE'S ANOTHER WICKET to WOWEEE ZAHEER IS OUR SAVIOUR to OH CRAP THEY'RE HITTING SIXES OFF CHAWLA to ARGHHHH 14 OFF THE LAST OVER to 2 OFF THE LAST BALL to A TIE WTH!!!!

Yes, that was how I felt in a nutshell. A real small nutshell. Nivs and I were too nervous to even go to the toilet! It was just. MADNESS. Since when did 338 become an easy chase?! Seriously, cricket is exploding. And ODIs? They're the best, they allow for the most pendulum swinging, the most tense, nailbiting finishes. Whoever said ODI cricket is dead. In your face ICC. Yesterday's SL-Pak and today's match should prove exactly why ODIs are such a brilliant format.

Ok I'm still reeling from everything. I just don't know what to say. Maybe I'll reflect on this tomorrow, after my midterm. Goodnight world, and I love my favouritest sport precisely because it throws up such wonderful matches. :))

Urges to BTD (ask me if you want to know).

2011-02-26T01:06:00.000+08:00

I can just totally feel myself going nuts editing points for hall. I can feel it, like in my brain. My brain's whizzing and whirring in funny ways. It's horrible!! So many categories and names and numbers and the system is so annoying and everything is so messy RAWR. And this is after I have been SUPER DUPER organized with the way I gave everyone points. I have like tenthousand excel sheets stating exactly who gets exactly how many points and for which activities and everything. And yet, the system makes everything slow and difficult. And this is just for the Arts/Culture side!

Ok now that I'm done with that mess, time to get back to studying. Sigh.

Revelation

2011-02-23T20:28:00.003+08:00

Wow I took the train to and fro NUS today and it is MEGA HORRIBLE. Even more than I remember. I had a good day with buses and yet it took me an entire 1 hour and 35 minutes to get there and 1 hour 40 mins to get back. And this is with no waiting time or under 5 minutes of waiting time for trains/buses. And when I was coming back, at like 3 in the afternoon, I had no space to sit at Clementi! Had to wait a few stops before getting a place and my bag was UBER heavy. Oh, and people SNATCH for places on the train! Like someone will stick their butt into the seat you've been targeting if you're not quick enough to sit down. Grahh.

To all those who do this on a daily basis, I salute you. I would have quit school if I had to go through 4 hours of travelling on a daily basis. I spent my entire journey thanking the high heavens that I stay in hall.

CWC Opening Match

2011-02-20T03:38:00.004+08:00

OMG WHAT A NIGHT :) FIRST WORLD CUP MATCH, WHICH WAS ALREADY MEGA EXCITING ENOUGH. THEN TO TOP IT ALL OFF, G12 CAME OVER FOR THE SECOND INNINGS. NEED I SAY MORE?

Of course!

It was awesometastic, and sooo reminiscent of all those years ago when we were way more carefree and could watch every match together. So the moment G12 came over at 10.30pm after Shruti's reception, it was like SUPER NOISY and the atmosphere went up threefold straightaway. Even though there were only 25 overs left in the game. We all sat down on sofas/ chairs/ rugs and barely focused on the cricket for the first half an hour. Too busy catching up and all! Then we were like "oh we're supposed to be watching the match" hahaha and we all started concentrating a BIT more. Even then, we missed most of the wickets and their replays because we kept getting distracted. We dhandam-a cheered too late for everything and complained about Bangladesh hitting boundaries (though they really had no chance of winning by that point). We camwhored like mad (as usual). And there was tons of laughing at players, ads, parents, each other etc. Of course, at some point, out came snacks and TEA :) What an INDIAN gathering, I love it. AA and I have also decided that Kohli is our new shared eyecandy and that Raina will be my additional eyecandy. Hey, there's no Jammy in the world cup ok! To wrap it up, here are some Flowerful Quotes from tonight:

Everyone's talking about fringes and how they use them to hide big foreheads. Then we start measuring our foreheads using our fingers.
Neeti: OMG GUYS I have a "six-head" then! (using 6 fingers to measure her forehead)
AA: OHHH is that why they call it a four-head (forehead)?

Advertisement for Kenya vs. New Zealand is on TV.
Snoo: Ooh, is that Tiger Woods? (referring to the Kenyan captain)

Hahahah. I love you guys. Sorry I'm so incoherent right now, I'm tired but happy!

Also, after everyone left, Mum and I sat down to finish Dad's cricket crossword, and I'm pleased to say we got ALMOST everything. The most difficult one, we got with some major clues from Dad. But it was so much fun, he really did a great job putting it together :)

Ok I should go get some sleep. But before that, here's a picture of my handiwork on my toenails. It's a cricket world cup tradition.

Ok so the picture sucks cos my handphone camera sucks, but you get the idea. YAY. TeamIndia had better make my nail painting effort worth it.

2011-02-19T03:01:00.002+08:00

F***.

Seriously. I feel personally responsible for this mess. I went for both points forums. I should have clarified. I am such an idiot.

Now I have to worry about it until I can put this right. *headdesk* Should have foreseen this. GRRRR.

Apparently Vday Makes Me Contemplative

2011-02-15T04:21:00.003+08:00

I had the most fun valentine's day ever, and it was nothing to do with romance or a romantic partner or flowers or mush or anything. I went out with Kenny, ZH, Keevin, Kim, Nisha and Yvonne for dinner at Nan Xiang Steamed Bun Restaurant at Plaza Sing because we had vouchers + it was a kind of farewell for Keevin, who's leaving for exchange. Good friends, good food, good fun and lots of laughs, and that made my Vday. Did I feel the lack of a significant other? No. Was I affected by the 10thousand couples in every nook and cranny of every place? No. Did I celebrate being single and free? Hell yeah.

I don't even know why I sit around and mope the lack of a boy in my life sometimes. Or rather, why I used to. Because lately... I haven't felt it. I haven't felt the lack of a guy in my life, I haven't felt any dearth of love and affection, I haven't felt upset or unhappy about life. I hope I don't jinx it now :P But seriously, the more I sink into this strange positivity that seems to have gripped me, the more I realise that perhaps the reason why I shun a relationship at the moment isn't so much because I'm scared, but more because I'm just not ready to give up my independence yet. I mean, I'm really only just beginning to see that I'm so much freer to lead my life the way I want to because I have that one less person to be answerable to. I can go out drinking or party the night away without a guy sitting at home worrying about me or being paranoid and constantly texting/ calling me. I can spontaneously decide to spend my evenings any way I want, with any one I want without being committed to meeting this guy at least once a week to go out or whatever. I don't have to explain how I can't spend weekends with him because weekends are family time. I have that one less person to get into fights/ arguments with. I have one less person that I need to set aside money for (from my already small allowance, which I outspend every month). I have one less person who constantly demands my time and attention, both of which I have in very limited quantities to spare. I don't have to consult that one extra person before every decision I take in life. And there's so much more, I just am too tired to list them out now.

Well of course there are tons of positives too, but for me, right now, I think the negatives are just more. Having the freedom to try new things, to push my boundaries, to live my life and stabilize my personality are all so important to me right now that the mere idea of someone entering my life and taking that away from me seems catastrophic.

I think I'm far too used to being independent, being free and only answerable to my parents. I'm far too used to taking care of myself, and leading my own life. I guess when the right person comes along and when I have settled into my own skin and my own life and when I am finally looking at needing companionship, I will be ready for a relationship. But until then, why have I been moping! I should have been enjoying singlehood. Can't believe it's taken me this long to realise what an idiot I've been. I mean it's all fun and good to whine about it with friends and have a laugh at ourselves and our pathetic boy-less lives, but to take it all seriously was a big mistake. I have a brilliant family, amazing friends, not-dismal grades, the monetary ability to be at least slightly frivolous, I take frequent holidays overseas, life is GOOD and not worth wasting waiting around for a boy to sweep me off my feet. When he comes, he'll come! In the meantime, I'm gonna be swinging single. :)

I may angst from time to time on this blog, but hey, it's my blog and it's meant to let me achieve catharsis. But really, deep down, I don't think I'm unhappy at all. :) And it feels good to *finally* realise that :P

Jinxed.

2011-02-14T14:10:00.002+08:00

So as usual, my body gives up on me.

Let me start with Dramafest. Dramafest was ok, went better than expected really. I was so so happy it was even stage-able! Of course, people who worked behind the scenes did an amazing job pulling everything together in such a short amount of time. Especially Lakshmi. I still don't know how she coped as the lone producer. She deserves a medal.

However, there was a strange thing going on last week. It's like, every bad thing that happened, i kind of foresaw? I mean, I'm really the last person to believe in fate or psychics or anything, but I've had some pretty :/ moments when Nivs used to randomly say something and it would come true out of nowhere. And last week was something like that, except I was the one making the "predictions". Like I kept jokingly wishing for Dad's old phone, which I was using, to die so that I would get a new phone faster (this was seriously a joke, because I wasn't intending to ask for a new phone until March at least) and weirdly enough, on Wednesday, the morning of Dramafest, the phone really died. Like un-revivably. I had to go phoneless for the whole day, and use Yvonne's spare phone till Thursday night when I went home and started using my old flip phone again.

That was one thing. The other thing was this. Remember I was saying that if everything goes according to plan, there will be big changes coming my way? Well I had this weird premonition/gut feeling that things will not go according to plan, and sure enough, all the plans for change fell through over the week. So it turns out, there will be no big changes in my life. Not yet at least. It's a little disappointing, but for the large part, I'm quite glad because I'm not sure I was ready and I'm sure I don't have the time/energy for them right now.

Then the week overall wasn't particularly good. I fell sick on Thursday and had to skip class and sleep almost the whole day away. Probably the effect of sleeping 2-3 hours the previous few nights. So that was lousy. Then on Saturday, I somehow managed to squish my left index finger between the house door and a switchboard so badly that the switchboard cracked and my finger was left terribly bruised. It hurt a hell of a lot, and Dad and I rushed to the doctor because it started swelling and I couldn't really move it and we thought it might be a fracture. The doctor gave me pain killers and an anti-inflammatory cream and said that if the swelling doesn't go down in a couple of days, I might need an x-ray. Bleh. It's better now, but still a bit painful and still slightly swollen. But much less than it was even yesterday.

So yeah. It was a jinxed kind of week, but somehow, I didn't really feel down or upset or anything. I think the whole I-will-be-positive-no-matter-what thing is working?

This week started well, with India winning Aussie in their first warm-up match of the 2011 Cricket World Cup (!!!), even though they only scored a pathetic 214 runs :P Aussie was all out for 175 LOL :D I was a happy bunny. However, there is impending doom this week, what with Adolescence midterm tomorrow and Clinical Neuropsych presentation on Thursday. And now I'm sick again wtf, I really think I'm allergic to school. And I still need to finish studying for midterm and go for project meeting at 6 and go for Vday+Keevin's farewell dinner with the gang. Grrr, I hate my health at times like this.

BUT BUT there is one thing that's keeping me going, which is that CRICKET WORLD CUP STARTS ON SATURDAY!! Omg, we've been waiting four long long years for this. I.am.so.psyched. Vee has been spamming my FB wall with cricketlove and I am not complaining. Ahhhh :)))

Okok, time to rest and then study/prepare for presentation. Toodles.

2011-02-08T02:54:00.003+08:00

I should sleep right. I have a pretty okay plan for GEM assignment, I've kind of done my tutorial work for tomorrow, I still have a million readings waiting for me, but they're going to have to continue waiting because I need to get at least 6 hours of sleep if I don't want to collapse tomorrow halfway through dramafest bump in. So yes, I should sleep. But somehow, I feel guilty getting sleep when I haven't finished my assignment. Arghhh. I hate this.

36 hours a day, ideally.

2011-02-07T16:04:00.003+08:00

Ok so I really shouldn't be blogging, considering I barely have time to do my readings and my assignments. There's stuff I really should have worked on during my CNY break, but I was so busy with other family-related things and CNY celebrations with G12 that I just didn't have the energy to get down to doing work. A huge mistake that I will pay for over the week, with sleep. But yeah, I just felt like I had to get some things down.

If everything goes according to plan, there are going to be some pretty huge changes coming my way. While change can be very exciting, right now, I'm still playing catch up with things like my academics, and I'm not entirely sure I fancy playing catch up with life in general. There's so much I need to do, and as the year progresses (Feb already?! Seriously, where are the days going?) there are more and more things coming my way that need immediate attention, that require TIME and ENERGY that I don't have and seem to have less and less of every year.

And on top of everything, people are clamouring for my time. My friends and family I mean. Which leaves me with a huge headache, because what do I prioritize? My work, my family, my friends, my hall work or myself? How do the successful folk divide their daily quota of 24 hours so well amongst all their activities and still manage to get sleep? Well, I'm guessing they don't waste time on facebook and blogger :/

Ok I should get back to work. No more time for musings. Till next time then.

Negative Nostalgia

2011-02-06T01:14:00.005+08:00

oh we're running through the fire

when there's nothing left to save

it's like chasing the very last train

when we both know it's too late

Though the lyrics really don't apply to me anymore, they do bring back pretty terrible memories. I'm never going to let myself get so drawn into a relationship that I lose my sense of self-worth. Ever again.

It's probably statements like this that keep boys away from me and keep me away from a relationship. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing?

Chinese New Year 2011

2011-02-05T00:36:00.005+08:00

Wow, it's been such a crazy CRAZY two days, but it's been so much fun, I don't even know where to start.

CNY with G12 is always fun. It's always something new, something different because we get a whole two days (usually with a weekend thrown in) to make it real special. And make it special we did. Sure, we didn't get to go on a trip this time around, but it was still so much fun. Thursday morning, the men and boys went to play indoor cricket at the Cage. That same afternoon, we all met up to watch Kaavalan, which was a crappy show but the company was SO awesome, we giggled and laughed our way through the movie, making fun of everything and anything. Some of the mums said the show got draggy at parts, but we were so good at self-entertaining, we didn't notice the draggy parts :P Then we all piled into various different cars and drove to Kailash Parbat and had awesome food and awesome laughs, and felt very very full and sleepy and happy :P We finally "dispersed" (inside joke) at 10pm and we planned to meet again at 10am the following morning at ECP.

Friday morning dawned and we all got ourselves there by about 10.30 ish. We then flew kites and being n00bs, we made many failed attempts to run around and let the kite catch a draft of wind. We also ran into puddles and potholes and basically got quite muddy. Then we all chit-chatted, and then decided to rent bicycles. I think we rented out like half his shop. Anyway, in order to make use of the full 2 hours of rental time, we decided to have lunch in ECP itself. So we got time to ride all the way down to opposite Mandarin Gardens, then back to the Changi end of ECP (just before the start of the park connector) and back to our shelter. Our butts were in danger of falling off in pain, and that was the main reason I wanted to get back. SUCH UNCOMFORTABLE SEATS!! But it was super duper fun and AA and I got time to HTHT so it was even better. But seriously, I had forgotten how fun cycling can be. I really think we need to buy new bicycles so we can ride again during weekends.

Then we all adjourned to Melville Park's function hall for about 45 minutes (:P), chilled in the aircon, and then went up to Vidhu's house for BBQ preps. Yes we were having an all-vegetarian BBQ, and preparations were MEGA CHAOTIC. The men were shouting, the ladies were fussing about things, the girls were confused and the boys just played their xbox. :P We had to make kebab skewers, cut butter and wrap corns and sweet potatoes, prepare the aloo tikki patties etc etc. But we got everything done and it was really novel and a lot of fun! We put down tarpaulins on the floor and all the girls/ladies sat down and prepared, while the men got the fire started. The boys of course, remained glued to the xbox. Finally we carried everything downstairs, finally figured the trick to getting the fire going, and started BBQing everything. Everything came out really well for a first time BBQ and most importantly, we all had a fabulous time cooking and eating and camwhoring and laughing about everything and nothing. The marshmallows were AWESOME. Ahhh. We toasted them over the dying embers of the coal and they were all firm outside and soft and gooey inside and it was just fabb.

After a mass cleanup, we all went back to Vidhu's house and the girls played Guesstures, which AA had brought! It was mega fun and there are a number of stupid videos that I took. They're all priceless. Unfortunately we didn't take a video/photo of AA vazhunjufying on the phone with Sunder. :P All too soon, it was time to go back home, but I really hope we can do something else like this before Paddy leaves!

It was the best in-Singapore CNY, seriously. And it just wouldn't have been anything without the company. I LOVE YOU GUYS. G12 is family, it is where we are all really comfortable and we're totally ourselves and there're no other people I'd rather spend my CNYs, NYEs, National Days, Diwalis, Tamil New Years etc etc with. Thanks for the great two days everyone :) We need more of these public holidays.

To all my chinese friends, Gong Xi Fa Cai and hope the new year brings you plenty of love, luck, prosperity and health. :)

P.S.: If things sound weird, it's cos I'm very sleepy so I was kinda typing rubbish sometimes.

Distracted from readings

2011-02-01T02:43:00.002+08:00

It just won't stop raining. I'm not complaining. :)

I forgot to mention this in the previous entry. On sunday, I woke up at like noon. And Mum said, "Dad says the weather is really nice. Let's go for a walk." I was like uhhh, Mum? It's pouring. And she went, "Yeah! Let's take umbrellas and go for a walk in the rain!" And so we did, all four of us, with umbrellas, we went for a walk in the pouring rain, splashing through puddles and chit-chatting. Lol. I bet everyone who was huddling for shelter at the bus stops thought we were mad. I love my family :D

2011-01-31T03:16:00.003+08:00

It has not stopped raining in like. over 24 hours. Which is absolutely BRILLIANT :D :D I love the weather!! I have tons of work piling up but I feel so happy and calm inside that I can't seem to bring myself to feel panic. Anyhoo, I will. WILL. get started tomorrow (later today). If I don't, someone please slap me.

Catch-Up

2011-01-30T02:06:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I feel like I've spent my entire uni life playing catch up. Running behind deadlines, readings, hall events, exam revision etc constantly trying to keep up but inevitably falling behind and then struggling to catch up on everything by crunch time. And the same thing has repeated over and over, semester after semester for the last 5 semesters, and this one isn't proving to be any better.

Headache, ugh.

Tere Naina

2011-01-27T03:20:00.001+08:00

mere dil mein jo armaan hai

paas aake zara dekho na.

I can't believe I didn't discover this song before new year's eve.

Thanks AA, for sending it to me!

Big Ol' Stupid Heart

2011-01-25T02:37:00.002+08:00

Is there such a thing as true love? Does romance really exist? Like true romance, driven by love, and not by a desire to just get the girl or to nail that or tap that thing or whatever? Can non-familial love ever be selfless? And having considered all that, can I feel this love? Forget about right now, can I feel it ever? Somehow, I just don't seem to love anyone selflessly, except my family and those friends I value above life itself. Which is just like... a handful of people. And everytime I think of being in love with a boy, I feel this strange resistance in me. I don't even know what it is or what it means or anything. All I know is that it's not supposed to be there. Damn everything WHAT is wrong with me.

I just want to be a normal girl, have stupid crushes, have flings, fall in love, FEEL THINGS. Argh. It's like, it's not just that I feel love in a more dulled way, it's as if anything that might upset me very very badly or any event that's very heartbreaking (like losing my phone) triggers a dulling of my emotions. Like someone just throws a blanket over my emotions to suppress them. Bah. I'm talking rubbish. Must be the time of the night. I'll just cut my contemplative ramblings short. Goodnight folks.

So foul a week, I have not had.

2011-01-23T14:34:00.004+08:00

DP is finally over. I'm supposed to be happy now that I can finally focus on getting my life in order, but for some reason I'm just down and out. I miss rehearsals already, I miss the cast and directors, I miss UCC and now that I have time to think, the upset over having my phone and money stolen is finally kicking in.

As much as I complained about the Omnia II, it contained all my information, it was useful in a myriad ways and now it's gone, I have to manage with Dad's old phone (at least it's a smart phone) probably until September at least and I can't even change my plan to a data plan because Singtel is run by a bunch of MORONS.

Singtel's customer service is CRAP of the first degree. I swear. First of all, when I discovered that my phone was lost, I deactivated my SIM card straightaway. That night, I went to get a new SIM, which was supposed to be activated in 3 hours. 12 hours later, it still wasn't working. I called again and they tell me that they had accidentally reactivated my old SIM card. WTF?! I almost shouted at them that my phone had been STOLEN and could they please deactivate it straightaway?! and they were like "Oh it will take 1 working day to reactivate the new SIM card ma'am" and I was like "I DON'T HAVE A PHONE TO USE AND REALLY NEED IT COULD YOU FAST TRACK THIS PLEASE?!" and they said they'd do it in 4-6 hours. 8 hours later, all I could do was make emergency calls. I called them AGAIN, and demanded that they get it done straightaway and the woman was like "oh I'm not sure the reactivation request was sent in. I'll do it straightaway for you ma'am, it should be done in 2 hours." And lo and behold, 2 hours later, it was done. I HAD TO CALL THREE TIMES JUST TO GET MY PHONE WORKING AGAIN. WTH IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE WHAT KIND OF CUSTOMER SERVICE IS THAT?!

And today, I went to change my plan to a youth data plan. And they tell me that I can only get a youth data plan if I recontract and buy a handset along with it. WTF!?!?! What kind of crappy offer is that?? If I don't buy a handset, apparently I can get a data plan, but not the youth one with the unlimited free smses. ARGHHHHH I am so mad at them, I am seriously considering switching to M1. I even called M1 to ask about the charges to retain your number and they said it's free. I SHOULD JUST SWITCH DAMMIT.

Oh and to the arseface who stole my phone and my money, thanks for making me lose whatever little faith I had in humanity. May you rot in the shittiest depths of hell and may your face sprout acne and may your life fall apart bit by excruciating bit.

Ignore my bitchiness, I'm just in a foul mood.

However, on the bright side of this week, DP went really well and we all had a really good time and it's really the only thing that's kept me sane over this madness. Cast and directors, I love you guys, thanks for making my 3rd DP so, SO memorable. Most memorable DP yet. I don't know how or why, maybe it's just you guys. But it's been great, I've loved it and if I had to pick out one thing that keeps me coming back to hall, it would 100% be DP. Thanks for everything and cast outing soon please. :) Photos on facebook by tonight I promise! :)

2011-01-21T04:18:00.001+08:00

I actually have TONS to post about, but like DP IN A FEW HOURS OMG OMG I AM FLIPPING OUT but I'm also super excited. Ahhh. We can do this!

2011-01-19T15:59:00.000+08:00

My phone got stolennnnnn :(

Summary of the week so far.

2011-01-18T20:43:00.003+08:00

Ok wow, I have not been posting anything resembling proper entries lately I realise. Fail. But there's been a lot going on, like DP rehearsals and sore throats and school and family time. Shall try and blog about my week so far in detail.

The weekend was wonderful. I was supposed to do some readings but obviously that did not happen. I woke up on Saturday with a slightly painful throat and PANICKED. Started popping erythromycin pills straightaway. Madnesssss I could not fall sick ONE WEEK BEFORE DP!!! Especially not with a sore throat! So yeah. Saturday was spent watching No One Killed Jessica with the family and then dinner at Jumbo Seafood with family and Dad's colleague's family. Chilli crabbb :D :D And the cereal prawns omg. Heaven :) We need another seafood outing. Seriously. Then Saturday night, we all sat down and watched the ODI between SA and India. But we all went to sleep after the first innings when India got all out for 190. I mean seriously, how could they have won with that kind of score?

Then Sunday morning, mum woke us up around 10am and she was clearly excited about something. It turns out that India, apparently, had pulled off a victory the previous night :/ So we all sat down and watched the highlights. Which was just as thrilling as the actual match itself! And honestly, India didn't win it, SA lost it. Miserably. It was almost un-loseable, but they lost. Whatever, I wasn't complaining. So the series is tied 1-1 and the 3rd match is tonight! I really wanna stay up and follow but I have to report at 9 tomorrow morning. Sooo. Guess not. The rest of my Sunday was spent in hair-removal procedures and snack-shopping for this week.

Monday was spent sleeping off the slightly worsened sore throat and panicking some more. Then Monday night we had piecing, for which Myungs was sick and Marc wasn't around so we really REALLY sucked. It was horrifying. And we didn't even know what was going wrong. Anyhoo. Yeah. Slept early because we were supposed to have rehearsal the next morning.

Which brings us to today! Woke up at 10, rehearsal was at 11, so did my laundry and showered. We had the function hall for a while, so we worked on blocking and projection until about 1.45pm, ordered lunch from Ameen, came back, packed and got ready to go to UCC. I went down to put my laundry in the dryer only to discover that the D block dryers weren't working. THEY ATE UP FORTY CENTS. And didn't work! Rawrr. Ended up dumping my laundry in the E block dryers and went off to UCC, where we basically only did soundcheck and took a LOT ALOT of photos. Because after that we kind of got chased off the stage. Lol. Then we sat around our dressing room playing Saboteur which is addictive! And fun! Came back, ate dinner, and now I'm here, hoping that SA mess up the match and that India wins.

I should really be studying but no motivation? Ugh.

Ok so DP is in like. 3 days and I'm trying not to flip out. We've barely got our bearings around the stage. And even though the UCC is not half as intimidating as it was in my first year, it's still mighty big and scary, especially when you think about it filled with over a thousand people. And acting to all those people is just. I don't know. If I'm not perfectly in character, I think I might flip out on stage. And I really hope my cough gets better and I don't end up coughing on stage, because that would be BAD. Ok I'm just not going to think about this anymore. :/ It's making me very nervous.

Time to go and distract myself with other things.

SmallJoys

2011-01-14T15:23:00.001+08:00

Go EnglishLit department! :D Finally, they decided to look at my appeal properly and EMAIL ME to check what exactly went wrong. And I got my module! Woohooo

EatDrinkBreatheDream DP

2011-01-14T12:17:00.002+08:00

I had this horrifying nightmare about DP. I dreamt that after all those days and nights of hard work, in the end, something screwed up and the dancers weren't ready to go on stage during the actual show... some costume thing or something. And then someone erased all their light settings from the lighting console, so even if they did perform, it would have had to be in complete darkness. So they didn't dance (AFTER ALL THAT HARD WORK OMG) and the actors had to carry the show and it was HORRIBLE and we were trying to improvise to make things more entertaining but the improvs went very wrong and the worst part was that for the whole of act 1, the actors didn't even know why there weren't any dances. And the whole thing was so bad and the audience was throwing stuff at us and I felt like crying for the dancers because they were all so upset and everything was a disasterrrrr homg. I was SO relieved when I woke up. GUH :(

Beauty Sleep

2011-01-13T16:44:00.002+08:00

Today is my longest lesson day for this week. So after I finished my first engin class of my entire uni life (GEK1522), I packed lunch, came back, ate and crashed for a couple of hours. And I had a really, REALLY good nap. You know how, after naps or even a night of sleep, you wake up unsatisfied and you reallllly just want to crawl right back into bed again? Well, that didn't happen. When my alarm rang, I woke up completely satisfied. I don't even know why! I slept deeply, dreamt HEAVILY and vividly, and woke up feeling great. Maybe I should take more afternoon naps.

2011-01-13T02:41:00.002+08:00

What is it about DP and performing in general that takes so much out of me? And what is it that makes me keep going back to it? Sucker for punishment. That is all.

LESS THAN 6 HOURS OF SLEEP LEFT GRRR OK I'M GETTING TO BED NOW. NAAAOOO. Gnight.

2011-01-10T03:58:00.000+08:00

School in less than 7 hours. Woohoo.

2011-01-08T18:22:00.002+08:00

I feel like I felt after first piecing last year. And if you go back and read the entry I posted after that piecing, you'll know that it was pretttttyy darn lousy. I know everyone's saying a lot of things, good and bad, but I personally feel like I'm backtracking. Maybe I'm just sleep-deprived and exhausted. I guess I'll take the weekend to think about what's going wrong.

And some people just really get to me. Really.

2011-01-07T19:31:00.002+08:00

I'm not supposed to be so conflicted over this.

Woes and Woohoos

2011-01-07T01:37:00.004+08:00

Went to Daiso to buy things that would begin to sort my life out. After entire 3 semesters in this hall room, I finally decided to get sticky hooks that would let me hang my keys somewhere, rather than placing them on my table with the rest of the mess and searching frantically for them each time. Bought some files to carry notes to class, a planner, paper clips, a bookend (FINALLY) to keep my books from falling all over each other and other odds and ends.

Etc.

I need to spring clean SO badly, but I just haven't found a sufficient length of time which I've spent in my room. Maybe it will have to wait until next week, though I would really rather do it this week. But I don't see when, because I have rehearsal from 3 to indefinite tomorrow and lunch appointment before that and piecing the whole of Saturday. And I'm definitely going home on Saturday night and only coming back Sunday night. And school starts on Monday! Homg. Year3Sem2. If I wasn't doing honours, this would be my last semester. Can you believe it?! I don't even know where my uni life disappeared to.

Oh well. My timetable looks all set to be horrible. I realllllly hope I can appeal and get a second GEM, because I want to drop one psych mod. Gah. AND I PAID 1000 POINTS FOR MY HONOURS MOD. No you are not seeing things, there really are 3 zeros there. ONE THOUSAND. WTH?! I hate hate hate bidding. Whoever came up with this system should die a horrible death.

2011-01-02T23:56:00.003+08:00

Second day of the new year and I'm already sinking back to my old ways, second guessing myself and not showing the discipline and determination I should be showing. Terrible. Come on Neeti, you know you're better than that.

TwentyEleven OMG

2011-01-02T01:28:00.002+08:00

Omg happy 2011 everyone! I'm horrible, I can't believe I haven't blogged since Christmas Eve and I can't believe I didn't do an end of year entry summing up 2010. FAIL BLOGGER. But seriously, I've been occupied trying to cook and clean and welcome my mum and brother back home and spend time with them and attend NYE party and get my nails done and read etc. Yes it's a long list, and basically I have been BUSY. But it's the new year now, time for new outlooks, new resolutions, and just another chance to start fresh, and try to have a good year.

Maybe I'll sum 2010 up in my next entry. It's like 3.15am now and I don't have the energy.

By the way, I watched Ravanan today and I liked it! Ok the ending was dumb, but otherwise I thought the cinematography was great, the story was nice, the acting was really good and overall it was a good movie :) Then we were randomly flipping channels and we found Jaane Tu playing on one of the awesomely many free channels that we're getting for new year! Obviously we stopped and watched it :) Gosh I love that show. Great way to wrap up the first day of the new year. Reminded me of a lot things and made me smile like a goon.

Ok getting very tired. Shall go now and ponder about sleeping. More tomorrow I promise. Goodnightt

Christmas Eve.

2010-12-25T00:09:00.003+08:00

I know what I want for Christmas. I'm just too scared to ask for it, because I don't think I'll ever get it.

Coming back home after an outing to Plaza Singapura today, I felt worse than I've felt in a long time. I'm supposed to have been happy. And it's not like there aren't things to be happy about. And I was too. Until I stepped into Dhoby Ghaut station alone and was suddenly engulfed by a gazillion people who weren't alone. In order to save myself more agony, I just put my head down throughout the entire journey. And walked really fast.

Think I might just open that wine bottle I bought from PS tonight.