I hold a lot of store by the saying "An idle mind is a devil's workshop".
I'm finally back in hall, the one thing I've really really looked forward to throughout these 3 months has finally happened, and yet there are all these things that are getting me down, and I just have no explanation for it except the above saying. For seven weeks, my mind was kept occupied by work and outings and friends and family constantly surrounding me. Now I'm back in hall, most of my friends haven't moved in yet or are busy with EHOC or are not staying in hall anymore, and I suddenly find my brain very unoccupied and free to wander and naturally it has begun wandering to things I have been pushing to the back of my mind all vacation.
Let's just say, this has been an eventful vacation. Lots of things have happened, some things have changed, some haven't but are still somewhat different. Some of these are things I should be perfectly happy about, but drama follows me like the plague as always, and there are problems and obstacles that I must navigate, and navigate alone. Ok not 100% alone, I know I have a lot of support from a few very close friends, but at the end of the day, the decisions I've made are mine, and it has to be me that takes the step to solve the problem and face the consequences.
What all this has done is thrown into question my own values. I pride myself on being clear about my principles and being able to stick by them. That's been called into question, and that is really bugging me. I've swung from justifying my actions to myself and being incredibly defensive to being all self-loathing and feeling like a complete bitch. And at the end of it all, I still have no solution to anything. Heaven help me.
What I don't understand is why this is getting so incredibly complicated and dragged out. I know that sounds like a stupid question, but it's an honest question. I think there are ways around this, and I personally think this should have been sorted very early on, but it wasn't and I'm definitely at least partly to blame, but I cannot say that I am fully to blame because I know I am not. But there have certainly been a few mistakes on my part. And I want to put this right, I do. I want to apologise and hope that I can clear everything up. I just don't want to compromise on the one thing that's kept me happy through the holidays for it. Does that make me utterly selfish?
I don't know. Maybe I don't want to know. I just feel so drained every time I think about this. So I'm just going to leave it at that and sleep. Or do something else to occupy my mind. At least putting it out here has eased up some of that negative energy.
I'm finally back in hall, the one thing I've really really looked forward to throughout these 3 months has finally happened, and yet there are all these things that are getting me down, and I just have no explanation for it except the above saying. For seven weeks, my mind was kept occupied by work and outings and friends and family constantly surrounding me. Now I'm back in hall, most of my friends haven't moved in yet or are busy with EHOC or are not staying in hall anymore, and I suddenly find my brain very unoccupied and free to wander and naturally it has begun wandering to things I have been pushing to the back of my mind all vacation.
Let's just say, this has been an eventful vacation. Lots of things have happened, some things have changed, some haven't but are still somewhat different. Some of these are things I should be perfectly happy about, but drama follows me like the plague as always, and there are problems and obstacles that I must navigate, and navigate alone. Ok not 100% alone, I know I have a lot of support from a few very close friends, but at the end of the day, the decisions I've made are mine, and it has to be me that takes the step to solve the problem and face the consequences.
What all this has done is thrown into question my own values. I pride myself on being clear about my principles and being able to stick by them. That's been called into question, and that is really bugging me. I've swung from justifying my actions to myself and being incredibly defensive to being all self-loathing and feeling like a complete bitch. And at the end of it all, I still have no solution to anything. Heaven help me.
What I don't understand is why this is getting so incredibly complicated and dragged out. I know that sounds like a stupid question, but it's an honest question. I think there are ways around this, and I personally think this should have been sorted very early on, but it wasn't and I'm definitely at least partly to blame, but I cannot say that I am fully to blame because I know I am not. But there have certainly been a few mistakes on my part. And I want to put this right, I do. I want to apologise and hope that I can clear everything up. I just don't want to compromise on the one thing that's kept me happy through the holidays for it. Does that make me utterly selfish?
I don't know. Maybe I don't want to know. I just feel so drained every time I think about this. So I'm just going to leave it at that and sleep. Or do something else to occupy my mind. At least putting it out here has eased up some of that negative energy.
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